|In a complex court settlement our parent company gets|
custody of us on weekends!
ஆகவே அமரிக்கன் லைப்ரரியில் அதன் கிட்டேயே போகமாட்டேன்.. இந்த செய்தித்தாளில் நிச்சயமாக எனக்குப் பிடித்த நகைச்சுவை அம்சமே இருக்காது என்பது எனக்குத் தெரியும். ஆனால் மற்ற பகுதிகளுடன் தொடர்பில்லாத ஒரு பத்தி அவ்வப்போது வெளியாகிறது என்பது, ஒரு பழைய புத்தகத்தை நடைபாதைக் கடையில் வாங்கிய போதுதான் தெரிந்தது,
|Marry me, Judith with the |
understanding, of course that
past performance is not
a guarantee of future results.
(ஒரு முக்கிய குறிப்பு: இந்தப் பதிவில் உள்ள
ஆங்கில பாகத்தை ஒரு PDF file ஆகத் தயாரித்து உள்ளேன். தேவைப்படுபவர்கள் தெரிவித்தால் ஈ-மெயிலில் அனுப்பி வைக்கிறேன்.)
FACTS OF LIFE
Marriage is a great teacher. And much what it teaches you don't need know unless you get married. - Robert Fuoss
The permanence of the marriage pact
Depends on how couples plan it;
With some the vows are written on sand,
While others take them for granite. - George O. Ludcke
The toothpaste he forgets to cap:
For neatness he cares not a rap,
At night I listen to him snore;
At parties often he's a bore.
But what care I what faults has he
As long as he puts up with me. -- Lea Zwettler
Darling you are always right!
I'm the one who isn't bright.
Wall Street expert, you can tell
When to buy and when to sell,
You bet colds and double chins
Eating proteins, vitamins
Luggage, toasters, wrist watch, car --
You know where the bargains are,
When I spurn your good advice
Later I must pay the price.
Though my love for you is strong,
Sweetheart, can't you one be wrong? -Edith Ogutsch
My wife and I, on equal terms,
Live happily together.
It is my decision what to do;
She just determines whether.-Robert W. Campbel
Point of Departure
The moment you definitely know
That your children are growing
Is when they stop asking you where they come from --
And won't tell you where they're going. -- Gail Cooke
Parents: forbearing animal
Some parents have rigid rules,
While others are permissive;
Some parents will not give in,
While others are submissive.
Opinions differ on whether
To come gentle or strong,
But in the end all agree:
Whatever they did was wrong. -- Arnold J Zarrett
Our nation's hospital care,
Is, without doubt the finest -- still
Where else would you be wakened
To be given a sleeping pill? - Arnold J Zarett
Laryngitis isn't fatal,
Or so at least I hear.
Besides, I have only once,
Yes, only once a year.
And I can tell when it will be,
Right to the very day:
It's when I have to make a speech
And cannot say my say. -- R A
Why do we say we've caught a cold
When that is error manifold?
We do not cast with a hook and lines,
Nor track it through the wood by signs.
Nor do we hunt with a gun
Or overtake it on the run.
So when you sound your next kachoo,
Remember that a cold caught you! --Lance Oneal
Brush each day,
Of sweets stay clear,
See your dentist
Twice a year
For I have ventured
(In fact, maintained)
That nothing dentured
Nothing pained. -- Dow Richardson
If I catch a disease
I can get cured for,
I hope it is something
That I am insured for. -- Robert Gorden
One who's in perpetual emotion.--- Robert Fouss
Lesson in Calm
When things go wrong most folks are prone
To make a big production.
They clutch their heads and moan and groan --
They need expert instruction.
They're fools to yelp so raucously
With punctuating wails.
Why don't they just relax like me
And bite their fingernails?
--Georgie Starbuck Galbraith
Success and ulcers go together,
Most doctors are agreed.
Two years ago I got an ulcer --
How come I don't' succeed?-- William Lodge
Here is the dentist,including mine,
A slight but important suggestion:
When the patient's mouth
Is crammed north to south,
It's best not to ask a question. -- R A
No Interruptions, Please
You can tell me of the hazards
Of an excess gain of weight,
Of the lean and lovely females
I should try to emulate.
You may stress the fact that munching's
I'll listen to your sage advice
But, please,not while I'm eating. -- Dorothy Dalton
Obesity: fat accompli. -- Len Elliott
T.M. in the P.M.
I've taken up the meditations!
I sized it up and surmised:
Here's one way of doing nothing
Without being criticised -- Gail Cooke
Free and Easy
Some find contentment in meditation,
Listening to their gurus expound,
Or from Yoga or encounter groups,
Of which there are plenty around.
But I've found a road to tranquillity,
Whose virtues I'm extolling,
It's just thinking of all the money
I've saved by not enrolling. -- Edward F Dempsey
There's transactional analysis
Or Transcendental meditation,
Screaming Yoga encounters
For depressions or agitation.
The choices are wide ranging
For one's hangups or ruts,
But deciding on the right tone
Can drive a person nuts. -- AJZ
I've read the benefit fiber food brings
And firmly believe what the doctors are saying.
I'm eating such wheaty and oatmealy things
That one of these days,I expect,I'll be neighing. -- Irene Warsaw
The Government watches with care what we eat
And bans what might do us harm,
Such as saccharine and the additives
That are now being viewed with alarm.
Since it's our inside that causes such concern,
The treatment might be superior
If the task were done not by HEW
But the Department of Interior. -- R A
Ounce of Prevention
I've studied the additives issue,
And though my research may be crude
My statistics definitely show
We may have to give up food. -- AJZ
He drives a sports car and he takes sporting chances
He wears a sport coat that's well fitting.
He reads the sports page and he sports a moustache
And his favourite sport is sitting. -- RA
Those that you get
From senders you've missed
Are the one's you crossed
Off last year's list. -- Robert Gorden
He posed as a tree authority,
But I felt he missed the mark
When he said you could always identify
A dogwood by its bark -- G O Ludcke
My neighbour says this of his dog:
"His bark is worse than his bite."
I don't quite see how that could be --
He practices all night. -- Dick Emmons
A cat likes sofas, tables, chairs
For honing claws and making tears;
The scratching post you furnish her
She treats like a priceless treasure. -- RA
I'm not really lazy. It's just most jobs are 9 to 5 and I don't like the odds. -- Bob Orben.
Not Accident Prone
Hard work has never killed,
So goes the ancient dictum,
But why should I take the risk
Of becoming the first victim? -- William Lodge
Of working day, each Friday is
The best of all the five;
The thing that aches is that it takes
All week long to arrive. -- Dick Emmons
Of the difficult task in a fellow's life,
The toughest of all by far
Is tying to make it sound like you're sick
When you phone the office you are. -- Stephen Schlitzer
It isn't the hours you put in. It's what you put in the hours. -- Mae Maloo
On the Job
He cannot vote to raise his pay,
If he should strike, no one would care.
And yet there's this that's good; he can't
Be fired -- no one would dare.
A mixture of both irked, enjoyed,
This is to be self-employed. -- RA
Thank God It's Friday.
I checked my clips and rubber bands;
Put some lotion on my hands;
Sharpened pencils I don't use;
Paused to hear the latest news;
Filled the stapler; opened mail;
Filed two letters -- one nail;
Now I'm ready, I have a hunch,
To settle down and go to -- lunch.
-- Gloria Rosenthal
Real Estate special: Flaunted House --Shelby Friedman
Bureaucracy: Officious circle -- Robert Flitch
Before and After
Doctors recommend that men do atleast a little work even after retirement. Employers hope they'll to a little before. -- Robert Fouss
Some agonises so at the thought of work
They spend much of their time in flight of it.
No one ever died from work, they say,
But many have died from fright of it. -- G O Ludcke
Careful research proves that it takes a master of ceremonies fifteen minutes to introduce the man who needs no introduction. - RA
Many who have the gift of gab do not know how to wrap it.-- Arnold Glasgow
No sense of Balance
Some folks can't omit details,
And their stories make one yawn;
These people never seem aware
Their accounts are overdrawn. -- Rosemarie Williamson
The Unspeakable Truth
The human brain is quite complex;
Its performance is truly unique.
It works at birth and never stops
Until you rise in public to speak. -- Ron Kuchenbecker
Demise of Surprise
Computers speed up election returns
When they say who'll win, there's no doubt of it;
They predict with precision the voters' decision
(And also take all the fun out of it!)-- George O Ludcke
No,I haven't been changing the oil in the car,
And i haven't been digging a hole.
And these smudges you see on my fingers and cheeks
Aren't because I've been mining for coal.
I am not making up for apart in a play
As a dark-faced and mischievous gibbon;
These smears that I wear are simply because
I've been changing my typewriter ribbon.-- C M Bryant
In the age-old struggle to earn a buck,
It's amazing how hard work brings such good luck.-- G O Ludcke
With Total Doubt
I have an electric calculator
With which I can swiftly add,
And this should save me a lot of time
But doesn't, which makes me sad.
You see, every time when I've added up
A column of figures long
I add them again, the old-fashioned way,
In case the machine is wrong.-- R A
Some people know a lot more than they tell,
Unfortunately the reverse is also true. -- Edward Stevenson
Anybody who says he agrees with you in principle is going to tell you how wrong you are.-- Franklin P Jones
A Shirt Tale
He has news he wants to tell,
But I'm inclined to believe,
When he says it's "off the cuff,"
he has something up his sleeve.
At a meeting or private brawl
I never get flustered at all
At some loaded question or directive
As I have a defense that's effective.
For, when the full meaning I can seize,
I say, "Repeat the question, please!"
And, though the speaker's voice is quite clear,
I shout, "Louder! I can't hear!"
And the one that I have down pat
Is, " Would you care to rephrase that?"
Or, if my opponents's real tough, I 'll state,
"Would you like to elaborate?"
For I find that it always pays
To use the above cliches
As they allow me time to try
To think up a good reply. --Leonard Dittell
Success is never final -- and failure never fatal.
She doesn't want me helping her,
By holding her,
By holding her coat or chair,
And opening a door for her
will get me an icy glare.
She thinks me courtly manners
To be old-fashioned as heck,
But she makes one bow to tradition
By letting me pick up the check. -- Edward F Dempsey
Men and Women created equal?
They are, and my words are authentical.
And yet, and this is my sequel,
Equal isn't the same as identical. -- RA
Coming to Terms
I remember the good old days
With more than little clarity,
When an overheated economy
Was known by the term "prosperity." -- RA
I keep receipts,
I keep them all,
I do not thin or weed them.
I keep receipts
With care until
The day before i need them. ---RA
Inheritance: Will gotten gains. -- Frank Tyger
This time of year we all are ill-fated
And must file tax forms so complicated
That only the brightest can ferret out
The correct method of filing them out;
The apparent fact that seems almost funny:
Tax filing is as hard as making money. -- Colleen Stanley Bare
Friends often snicker at my investments,
And it sends me into shock,
When as issue I've carefully researched
Ends up as a laughing stock. -- Edward F Dempsey
He sits behind the desk and frowns
Upon the market's ups and downs.
Is this stock low, or is it high?
Should he sell now, or should he buy?
To buy? To sell? Which is wiser?
He must consult his staunch adviser --
So, wasting no more precious time
In pondering, he flips a dime. -- G Sterling Leiby
There's a word of difference between
(And this should be understood)
A good, sound investment
And an investment that sounds good. -- Ruth M Walsh
Define Your Terms
Business terms can be confusing
And their meanings just a bit flaky;
A lightly-held company can be firm,
But sometimes a firm can be shaky. -- G O Ludcke
To My Banker
Though your high interest rates
Appeal to me,
They never seem
Very real to me,
And I think I've discovered the flaw
I can't wait six months to withdraw. -- Florence Wahl Otter
Matter of Opinion
Give me a start,
When the polls and I
Are poles apart. -- RA
A ten-term congress man was asked how he managed always to be re-elected. "Easy," he replied. " Identify your major supporters. Then make sure that more of them are appointed than disappointed.
- -Robert Fouss
As a middle of the reader,
His political future looks bright,
For he's holding the centre firmly by,
Making promises left and right.
-- Edward F Dempsey
Cheers, not Tears
Look on the bright side of the political scene,
Despite the fact that you're dejected --
For no matter how things may go,
Only one of them can be elected.-- R M Walsh
Political Platform : preach of promise
Nepotism: all the kin's menView from the Middle
Politics it seems to me,
For years, or all too long.
Has been concerned with right and left
Instead of right and wrong. - R A
Missille launch site: soar spot -- Shelby Freidman
Gun control: trigger mortis - LeRoy London
Defiled landscape: Obscenery -- H E Martz
The air we breath is poisoned,
Our rivers are filled with guck,
You've got to watch the beaches
Or you'll drown in the oily muck.
The fish are gasping in the depths
As they struggle to and fro,
While ships above flush out their wastes
On the chocking life below.
Our roads are trails of empty cans, And litter by the ton,
and all along the broken glass Glistens in the sun.
We still can sing of beauty,
In this land of the proud and free,
But wealth and waste have changed us
To the "Effluent Society."-- Ron Moxness
No Growth Vote
Show me a little town that's sort of backward,
Not concerned about this "image" or its size,
Where the people do not call themselves "dynamic"
And there's no tremendous drive to modernize;
Where they're no perpetually promoting "progress"
And never really had the urge to boost --
And I'll show you a place that's going nowhere,
But undoubtedly a lovely place to roost.-- Sam Hudson
The population slow down shows
We're mending all our fences;
We've taken lots of good advice
And coming to our census.-- E B de Vito
Angry glances: stare wars
If you produce some useful things,
You doubtless want to sell them,
But folks won't come to you unless
Persistently you tell them.
The hen has known this secret long
For their is no creature wiser,
She cackles when she's laid her egg,
The world's first advertiser!--Pual Tulien
" More than 600 sizes, shapes and styles of tin cans are manufactured by American can firms today.--News Item
I've always known there were a lot
Of shapes and styles of cans, but not
Six-hundred quite. However now
I think of it, I have to bow
To this statistic. Every mode
I think I've seen beside the road.-- RA
Five words which never
make me scurry:
"Supply is limited,
So hurry!"-- Stephen Schlitzer
My letter always open "Dear"
And they close "Sincerely."
The first shows affectionate,
The second honest, clearly.
I know all this is just a form
And not believed a bit,
Yet there are times when I confess
I feel a hypocrite. -- RA
Jewellery Shop: Gemanasium
Popcorn eaters in a movie
I don't find so very groovy.
No that I am bothered when
Kids go out, come in again.
I don't mind the popcorn smell,
Which I really stand quite well,
Nor the sound of popcorn crunching,
Paper rustling, people munching,
Nor the floor of flotsam, jetsam --
It's that I, at last, must get some. -- RA
At the rate cassettes are replacing
Books in our nation's classrooms today,
Yesterday's bookworms may well turn in to
Tomorrow's tapeworms, per se.-- R M Walsh
Autobiography: Boast seller
The ties on my tie rack
Are cherished with care;
The fifty I own --
And the five that I wear.-- Harrry Lazarus
Those pants with the flare at the bottom;
I'm glad that at last I have got 'em.
And here's what I happily muse on:
I can put on my pants with my shoes on. --RA
I sometimes wonder about human nature --
Its incomprehensible design --
When people can't tell you their blood type,
But always know their astrological sign.-- R M Walsh
Stamp of Disapproval
Commemorative postage stamps,
I muse, while one I'm sticking,
Customer, I'd think,
For paper, ink --
And take a lot more licking. --RA
So He Thinks
Upon the elbows of his coat
Are leather patches, you will note,
And in his mouth he has a pipe
On which he puffs. He is the type
Who needs no more. Those are effectual
In making him an intellectual.-- RAJunk Mail
I'm an ardent friend of wild life
And a well-known stamp collector;
And I'm a candidate, it seems,
For a brand new film projector.
I'm a friend of homeless orphans
And it certainly looks
Like I'm a favourite prospect
For a set of reference books.
I'm a preferred credit risk
For clocks and radios and skis,
But, to be honest with you,
I'm not any one of these.
It's just that I'm addressed with
All these varied solutions
On a host of unrequested
Direct mail solicitations.-- G O Ludke
Commemortive stamps it seems
Are getting larger yearly,
And on an envelope that's small
I find I'm cramped severely.
If they get even larger still
(And this oft I digress on),
They very soon won't leave me room
For writing the address on.-- R A
The sides of my car have scratches and dents,
Caused by other cars failing to stop,
As I look at my car,
So many there are
I'd say I've a bumper crop.-- R ADaily Winner
Though unlucky at lotteries and raffles
In the morning, often as not,
I'll open my mailbox and find,
Once again I've hit the junkpot.
-- Edward F Dempsey
All about Autos
When mankind's aching feet got sore
From treading rocks and gravel,
It cleverly invented cars
To ease its mode of travel.
Among the blessings flowing from
This epochal solution
Were traffic jams and parking fines
And much more air pollution.
By dodging all those rushing cars,
Pedestrians grew nimble,
But most of all, now mankind had
A brand new status symbol.-- Robert Lovett
It's a gift
When you're given a present
That's just what you want,
And very expensive,
The sort that you flaunt,
I defy you to say,
And no words am I mincing,
"You shouldn't have done it"
And sound quite convincing.. --R A
"Do you want my honest opinion?"
People ask. I say, "Yes," for
So they give me their honest opinion,
And I -- well I'm always furious. --R A
I sometimes shudder when I count the list
Of all moral lessons we'd have missed
If Robert Bruce had simple killed the spider,
Or Paul Revere had been a lousy rider,
Or Androcles had brashly kicked the lion,
Or William Tell had shot his dought scion,
Or if -- and here my shuddering treble --
Demosthenes had strangled on a pebble.
Without those fine examples to hold onto,
Just think what moral dogs we might have gone to.
-- Georgie Starbuck Galbraith
Note to the Self righteous
A halo is a fine thing to wear, but it's been known to slip and become a noose. -- Silas Shay
On the Jump
The way many people
Jump to conclusions,
It's a wonder there aren't
More cuts and confusions. -- R A
What, you ask, is a smile
I can tell you in a very small space:
It's when you feel good all over
But show it in only one place. -- R A
Laugh and the world laughs with you
Is a saying that's probably true.
But truer still, I have noticed:
Yawn and others yawn too. -- R A
He who in public shows no dread
Of correcting another's grammar
Surely deserves a pat on the head,
Preferably with a hammer.
-- Georgie Starbuck Galbraith
The spotlight of notoriety
Increases each day and hour
Getting famous and rich in the spotlight
Depends on its scandal power.-- R A
Headlines are meant to grab you,
Especially the one's that bolder;
But none claim more attention
Than those glimpsed over a shoulder
-- Patricia Skarry Rutter
View From the Bottom
He's known as a man of means,
But people are somewhat confused,
They know of the means he has
But wonder what means he used.-- R A
Tact: Tongue in check
A father was berating his daughter for her slovenly appearance. " You modern day kids are so messy and unkempt, it boggles the mind to men think about your other deficiencies. Why, just look at your hair! It looks like a mop!"
" Gee, Daddy," said the girl innocently, "what is a mop?"
Discotheque: Spinal wresting place-- John B Dromey
Take a look at the educational scene
And campuses rent and rioty.
How Marx would rejoice as own schools close down
And we have classless society.-- R A
Arithmetic is not my forte.
Subtraction or addition.
I somehow lack just what it takes.
The brains or disposition.
Of late, though, I have learned a fact
That some may think a droll one.
It's simply this: that two half truths
Don't, somehow, make a whole one.-- R A
Choir practice: Hymnastics
-- Robert Fouss
The worst thing about a half-truth is that we always seem to believe the wrong half.
Long and Short of It
They say a person puts on along face
When he's sad. This seems me sapppy --
Unless of course, he also puts on
A short face when he's happy.-- R A
Age Before Booty
One advantage of growing old, Or so I've said, and so I've been told,
Is saying, " That was before your time"
Or, You wouldn't know, so much younger than I'm."
Or even,and with a trace of scorn
"You were only a child" or " You weren't yet born."
As generals, admirals pull their rank
I pull my age, and my years I thank.
I may be a little stiffer and wearier
But just for the moment I feel superior.-- R A
The difference between "You're good looking" and
( I know how weird this sounds!)
The phrase " You are looking good:" is
Thirty years and 30 pounds.-- R M Walsh
He claims that there is an advantage
To being just past his prime;
He has a more even temperament --
Now he's grouchy all of the time.--George O. Ludcke
No Daylight Saving
When I see the way the time flies
My heart is filled with sorrow.
It seems only yesterday
That today was tomorrow.-- Maurice Seitter
So you can read me like a book?
You've told me that for ages.
Well, if you can I only hope
You'll kindly skip some pages.-- R A
I Need You
I need you to light the stars
And set the sun afire.
I need you to dark the night
And quench the wild desire.
I need you to hold my hand
Whenever I'm in doubt.
But right now, dear, I need you most
To take the garbage out--Jeanette Mack
Just the Type
How man hates admitting an error,
How he'd like to be perfect, seraphical.
Such errors as must be admitted
He'd like you to think typographical error.-- R A
Floggers of Speech
The strongest words are often used in the weakest arguments.-- H E Martz
Consider the really amazing results
If children never became adults,
In fact if we stayed as we were at seven,
Wouldn't earth be a place a little like heaven?
No graft, no corruption -- how well we'd behave --
No wars, no muggings, no need to shave,
Too young for driving, no accidents,
No sin, only wide-eyed innocence,
No second childhood, the first would suffice...
Scant chance for all this, but it would be nice.- R A
When you meet the man without a smile, try giving one of yours.
We never get a second chance to make good a first impression.-- Marie Post
Worry is the advance interest you pay on troubles that seldom come.-- Lucile S Harper
There are two types of people (so say the reports):
One loves the opera; the other loves sports;
One loves the mountains; the other the oceon;
One wants to relax; the other curves motion;
One prefers silence each morning - no matter!
The other one thrives on a morning chatter:
And wht causes them so much struggle and strife?
They always end up as husband and wife?--Gloria Rosenthal
A fellow confessed to his friend,
“ I got married to escape
From going down to the Laundromat
And wearing socks with holes agape.
I was tired of frozen dinners, Tending garden in season -”
“That’s funny,” interrupted the friend,
“ I got divorced for the same reason.”-- R M Walsh
My Sugar’s Coating
My wife wants to buy a fur coat,
But I tell her not to be rash.
“Save the poor animals, dear,” I say,
But I think to myself, “Save my cash.”—Richard Armour
Ten hours of sleep are required by some,
Others get by on four;
But when the alarm goes off, we all
Need just five minutes more.—G O Ludcke
Off spring’s Offseason
Time was when families were large,
I scarce knew one that wasn’t;
But now young marrieds use restraint -
It’s cheaper by the doesn’t.- Dick Emmons
All About Eden
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn’t have to hear about the men she could have wed.
And she, in turn, didn’t have to hear about
The way his mother cooked and baked bread.-- Ruth M Walsh
At a Loss
There’s hardly anhour of the day that pass-ses
Without my inquirng, “ Where are my glasses?”
Though now and then, just for a change of pace,
I ask, “ Have you seen my glasses case?
One thing that always has me using
Is “busing” that is written “bussing”
It’s not misspelled -the spelling varies,
And both are in most dictionaries.
But buss, but not bus, you know mean kiss.
And bussing thus may be amiss,
Unless, of course, the bussing students
Who have no shame and have no prudence,
Unknown to parents, as a rule
Both bus and buss their way to school.
— R A
When a House Becomes a Home
This lovely, unpretentious house:
Did I once call it cramped and small?
This pretty, winding corridor,
Did I once call it a crooked hall?
This kitchen that I once disdained
Much pleasure now to me affords.
Where my eyes when I dismissed
These fine old floors as creaking boards?
My long-held views and tastes have changed,
Far more, I find, than I can tell,
Between the time I bought the house
And then decided I must sell.
—Leaster A Sobel
The Previleged’s Information
I always used to fix the sink
Whenver it went on the blink,
And would repair the wiring
With great effort and perspiring,
And do the painitng and plastering , too,
Just like other amateurs do.
But all these labors I now shun Since Icanafford to have them done
By professionals who, curiously
Perform them most amateurishly.-- Leonard Dittell
Home repairs: the power of positive tinkering
A drawer in the cabinet sticks,
And would you believe my luck -
The tool I need to fix it
Is the thing in the drawer that’s stuck!
-- Julia C Ardayne
No Party Pooper
Saturday night, I stoutly decree,
I’ll spend at home in tranquility.
I want no part of any wild spree -
(Unless, of course, someone invites me) --Arnold J Zarett
Our nation’s hospital care
Is without doubt, the finest - still
Where else would you be awakened
To be given a sleeping pill?Arnold J Zarett